Me: Wow Mum you look lovely after your facial, you look so different.
The Mother: Thank you. You could do with a haircut!
Me: Sorry? I like my hair as it is thank you.
The Mother: But it's getting ever so long, you should have it cut before your operation.
Me: I love my hair as it is. Can't you say something nice about me for a change?
The Mother: I thought I was............................
Me, well I give up really. After almost 45 years of being The Daughter my mother will never change. But she makes me feel I am just not good enough all the time. I am not the right weight, my hair's too long, I'm too loud, I'm too depressed, I'm not tidy enough etc, you get the picture. Why do mother's do that, belittle you and make you feel so high? Is it an innate gene you only get when you are one? Or is it just my mother? Why after all this time does she still make me feel so worthless? She's not always like this, sometimes she can be supportive and quite kind and on occasion a real brick, but most of the time these are the conversations we have. Just once in a while I'd like a conversation which didn't start with ''You should................'' but with ''I love you because........................''.
Mothers amongst you be aware.
Waves of sympathy and understanding ~~~~~~~~~
ReplyDeleteMine is Exactly The Same! On Wednesday we went to visit; I was telling her all about our trip to London and mentioned the stop for coffee and cake. Her comment? "Well, that'll put the weight on you." She does it every time. My BF once commented, "Your mum's nice to everyone - except you." Sometimes it can be hard to like her...
She does love you though. So does mine... I suppose that is the problem really - they love us and so much want us to be happy.. that they can't put themselves in our shoes and see the world our way. So they seem to be always criticising, when really they're just trying to care.
Try saying that you found a remark hurtful. Say it immediately she has made the remark and tell her why. Say, I would love it if you'd try to be more positive - I'm happy with myself, and I would like it if you could be too.
She'll probably be shocked. She may do that "don't speak to your mother that way" thing.. but ultimately it may well bring about an improvement - it should at least make her think a bit and bring her up short. We are grown up now; our mothers have to let us Be grown ups!
You hair looks nice in any photos I've seen. Perhaps it would be a good plan to ask a friend for help with hair-washing, for the first week or two after you come home? You may find stuff like that a bit tricky for a little while. Maybe that's why your mum suggested a hair-cut - it's a wrong-way-round way of saying she cares...
I do feel for you, really I do .. sometimes I think it's their way of keeping you as always the daughter, and never the grown up. I'm sure your hair looks fine, so don't you listen.
ReplyDeletethanx for the love, i have tried over the years, yawn, to get her out of this mindset but it just doesnt work at all unfortunately. i just needed a rant, so thanx for listening.
ReplyDeleteJo xxxx
Wish words Jo and I hope I'm the type of mum you wish yours was.
ReplyDeletemy mum is the same as well. Especially about my weight just now.. She even sent me a bunch of stuff from magazines including soup recipes, articles on Diabetes, articles on losing weight, and "Bachs Emotional Eating Kit" just written on a bit of paper. lol That was just what I needed to find on my doormat after a long day at work. I know she just worries but goes about in a way that just gets my back up. Maybe its all those years when we are kids when our parents just tell us whats what, whether its what we want to hear or not, & they struggle to get out of that parent mode.. Its blooming annoying though! you have my sympathy
ReplyDeleteAnd what is it with hair? My mum always has an opinion on my hair! I now just accept that we are completely different characters with completely different tastes, but it's not easy I know.
ReplyDeleteWe have just had a hair conversation and a few wayward glances this morning! I know what you mean ... I hope I will be different in some ways :-)
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful post. I know what you mean about mothers. Hated that traitbin my mom, but see it in me and my girl!
ReplyDeleteoh dear openned a huge can of worms here didnt i?
ReplyDeleteJo xxxxx
Oh hun, poor you. I hope you felt better for sharing your rant xx
ReplyDelete